It is emotionally painful when you are a partner of a passive aggressive. They are angry at you and the way they show it can be very hurtful. You have upset them in some way and you probably know where it started. It is also likely to be an occasion when you opened up emotionally and they couldn’t handle it. Passive aggressives find it very hard to get into their own emotions, let alone yours.
Some of the responses you have probably experienced are avoiding discussions, pretending they can’t hear you or going out and not saying where. All of these responses sadden you.
It does not make sense when all you did was open up about your feelings. It is surely better to be honest and open. However, your opening up has not gone down well. They probably feel attacked, belittled, talked down to and they are now angry. HOW DARE YOU say something to them that is not 100% positive.
I believe there is a link between the passive aggressive and the narcissist. I’m not talking about full blown malignant narcissism I’m talking about the milder version. Narcissism has varying degrees and symptoms. You see the narcissist will want to get back at you and if they are also passive aggressive they will not be able to express this verbally. They will not apologise or see their part in the problem. They are unable or unwilling to be reasonable. It is NOT their fault and YOU are the problem. It is interesting when you know this is dysfunctional yet you still try to win them back.
One of the most painful behaviours has to be the withholding of love and loving actions. It is bad enough that they are not talking to you nicely. Well they are not being downright rude or verbally abusive. Its just that you know there is something different, perhaps curt or shorter responses to your questions. You are trying YET AGAIN to make things right. Why is it always YOU that has to do this.
Julie found herself in this position yet again. Last week she told Tom that she felt he didn’t always listen to her when she was telling a story and she was continually feeling shut down by him. Whatever she said within 2 minutes the conversation would be all about Tom. So she told him. That was five days ago and he has not talked to her since. He looks sad, forlorn, babyish and acting like the victim. She is beginning to feel sorry for him. So yesterday she asked him for a cuddle. He turned away as if he hadn’t heard her. She asked him again today and he continued to watch the TV and without looking at her said “I’m watching the weather forecast” Julie walks away feeling rejected, confused and hurt. She left the house without her keys because her mind is all over the place. He is withholding his love when she needs it more than ever.
So this leads to the question:
Why do you stay in an emotionally painful relationship
- You desire a happy relationship at any cost.
- You continue to love your partner in spite of their ongoing, repetitive negative painful behaviour.
- There is a long history together that you don’t want to give up on.
- You are an empath, so you feel their pain and want to fix them.
- You are codependent which means the focus is more on them than you
What is going on with your partner
- He cannot engage in emotions.
- He feels attacked when you point out something, anything, minor or major about him.
- He may also feel rejected by you, insecure and powerless to make things right.
What else might be going on with both of you
Other situations such as redundancy or employment problems can cause stress or depression. Family issues and pressures may also be affecting you both. It is worth bearing these in mind because they will impact on the way you both feel and behave.
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In the meantime do not hold back on your truth. Their response belongs to them and their issues. Take care, love yourself and respect yourself.