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What is the most emotionally painful behaviour of a PA?

painful love

painful love – speaking your truth

It is emotionally painful when you are a partner of a passive aggressive.  They are angry at you and the way they show it can be very hurtful.  You have upset them in some way and you probably know where it started.  It is also likely to be an occasion when you opened up emotionally and they couldn’t handle it.  Passive aggressives find it very hard to get into their own emotions, let alone yours.

Some of the responses you have probably experienced are avoiding discussions, pretending they can’t hear you or going out and not saying where.  All of these responses sadden you.

It does not make sense when all you did was open up about your feelings.  It is surely better to be honest and open.  However, your opening up has not gone down well.  They probably feel attacked, belittled, talked down to and they are now angry.  HOW DARE YOU say something to them that is not 100% positive.

I believe there is a link between the passive aggressive and the narcissist.  I’m not talking about full blown malignant narcissism  I’m talking about the milder version.  Narcissism has varying degrees and symptoms.  You see the narcissist will want to get back at you and if they are also passive aggressive they will not be able to express this verbally.  They will not apologise or see their part in the problem.  They are unable or unwilling to be reasonable.  It is NOT their fault and YOU are the problem.   It is interesting when you know this is dysfunctional yet you still try to win them back.

One of the most painful behaviours has to be the withholding of love and loving actions.  It is bad enough that they are not talking to you nicely.  Well they are not being downright rude or verbally abusive.  Its just that you know there is something different, perhaps curt or shorter responses to your questions.  You are trying YET AGAIN to make things right.  Why is it always YOU that has to do this.

Julie found herself in this position yet again.  Last week she told Tom that she felt he didn’t always listen to her when she was telling a story and she was continually feeling shut down by him.  Whatever she said within 2 minutes the conversation would be all about Tom.  So she told him.  That was five days ago and he has not talked to her since.  He looks sad, forlorn, babyish and acting like the victim.  She is beginning to feel sorry for him.  So yesterday she asked him for a cuddle.  He turned away as if he hadn’t heard her.  She asked him again today and he continued to watch the TV and without looking at her said “I’m watching the weather forecast”   Julie walks away feeling rejected, confused and hurt.  She left the house without her keys because her mind is all over the place.  He is withholding his love when she needs it more than ever.

So this leads to the question:

Why do you stay in an emotionally painful relationship

  • You desire a happy relationship at any cost.
  • You continue to love your partner in spite of their ongoing, repetitive negative painful behaviour.
  • There is a long history together that you don’t want to give up on.
  • You are an empath, so you feel their pain and want to fix them.
  • You are codependent which means the focus is more on them than you

What is going on with your partner

  • He cannot engage in emotions.
  • He feels attacked when you point out something, anything, minor or major about him.
  • He may also feel rejected by you, insecure and powerless to make things right.

What else might be going on with both of you

Other situations such as redundancy or employment problems can cause stress or depression.  Family issues and pressures may also be affecting you both. It is worth bearing these in mind because they will impact on the way you both feel and behave.

Do you want to survive, thrive and finally break free from passive aggressive behaviour.  CLICK HERE

In the meantime do not hold back on your truth.  Their response belongs to them and their issues.  Take care, love yourself and respect yourself.


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6 thoughts on “What is the most emotionally painful behaviour of a PA?

  1. Laura cagle

    I have lived with a PA for 53 years and I’m so tired of it! My husband has a big white hat that he never leaves home without it. Over my 53 years very few people have been able to recognize his passive aggressive behavior. I am a very “free spirit” person and most people (for whatever reason) have always made joking comments about how hard it must be to live with me….and he eats that up because they make “me” his problem instead of focusing on his “anger” problem….he th Nos their joke releases him from a problem being “his anger” which nobody sees because the brim of his big white hat protects his PA behavior.

    My son and I are close, yet he refuses to see, accept, or believe I’m honestly dealing with a PA person. My husband is my son’s stepfather and living with his stepfather 53 years has accomplished nothing in being able to believe me when I try to share the emotional abuse I deal with. My husband cleverly withholds his anger with my son as well as all others. Also, my husband “buys” my son’S loyalty by always been no there when he or his wife need a helping hand with electric, plumbing, repairs, etc…….and this makes my son beholden to him and to believe “me” will give him a sense of unappreciative.

    I have no hopes of peace and quite…or being able to enjoymy retirement years….because for financially I’m stuck….and because he refuses to accept his PA behavior. In heated discussions when I try to defend myself against his hostile behavior he always trys to turn it to “me” being the problem…’s my’s my response that caused the problem, etc. For the entire 53 years of marriage he has never, even one time, recognized his PA behavior

    1. Andrea Harrn Post author

      Hi Laura, all that you say is familiar to stories I hear from many others. PA’s have 2 sides, the helpful friendly caring side and then other side that is so difficult to live with. Unless and until he sees he has a problem there will be no change. The only thing you can do is to look at making HUGE changes for yourself. Please read some of my other articles on this subject which you may find helpful too. From what you have written it is important to you that others see what you see and believe you, so you can have support. You do not need to justify yourself to anyone! You are important Laura and never forget that. I am nearly ready with an online course on this very subject so if you stay connected via my newsletter, or sign up for the questionnaire I can let you know when this is available. It is possible to make POWERFUL change for yourself. Best wishes Andrea

  2. Diane

    After 44 years of a marriage to a PA man, I am finally free! My divorce is over and the world is off my shoulders. His mind games and blame these past months did not work for him.
    During the short court session, he acted as though he was completely defeated for the first time in his life.
    I am moving forward to enjoy the rest of my life.

  3. Ellie

    I finally put up with enough of a relatively short relationship that I was constantly feeling as though he’d buy me things then to expect intimacy.,
    He doesn’t own his own home but would regularly put down my home and tell me all the things that needed to be fixed and refer to some of my possessions as junk. I knew all along that he secretly resented me and would give me the silent treatment if I couldn’t spend time with him, even though for two weeks I hadn’t seen him as he canceled on me on his birthday due to a blocked toilet even though we were meant to be going out for dinner and to a festival so there was no need to go to his house but no doubt he assumed I spend the night. The following weekend I didn’t hear from him at all as it was his Dads birthday and likely he didn’t want to say that I wouldn’t be coming, so instead of communication I got nothing but silence.
    Basically I was told by him that I don’t tell him enough how great he is or compliment him enough or tell him I love him,.
    Truth is I didn’t love him as he pushed his way into a relationship, after one date he’d already assumed the boyfriend role told me he loved me and bought me expensive presents. He would soon after become very depressed and tell me that previously he’d almost killed himself twice, so I felt if I dumped him he’d end his life what a great start ! Truth is I was naive and lonely but just wanted friendship from him nothing else , I didn’t find him that attractive as he smoked a lot of cigarettes and weed plus drank too much alcohol, I just felt sorry for him.
    Anyway so this weekend he replied to my text message after I explained I can’t come over to his house as I don’t like driving on pain relief as I don’t want to harm anyone else on the road, I wanted to catch a train but couldn’t walk to the train as it’s quite far when you’ve injured your knee, anyway his reply was ‘ Oh ok, all good.
    Have a nice evening. xx
    Which to me came across as passive aggressive as he’s done this before and he’d ignore me for two days after his short message., that was the last time he’d guilt trip me especially as in 3 days I have CT scans on my chest and stomach for screening of growths ( cancer suspected ) I’m a little worried about it as I have three children and an ex husband that’s too busy for them.
    My point is he’d treat me like that with a short message being passive aggressive that would lead to silent treatment, he’d not consider how that would affect me 3 days prior to a stressful day that I’m already anxious about. So I sent him a message saying I won’t be responding to messages from anyone anymore, and said he can do what he pleases.
    So that’s how you end things with a person who only cares for himself , I also have temporarily disabled my Instagram so he can’t message me on there either. Good riddance to one of the worst relationships I’ve ever had.

    1. Andrea Harrn Post author

      You deserve to be treated with respect. Good on you for ending this relationship which seems to be causing you nothing but stress and pain. All the best without him and his negative energy. Andrea

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