Self-preservation is vital when you feel you are drowning in someone else’s toxicity. Here are 5 tips to help you stay sane: 1 The Art of non-reaction From the profound wisdom of Ashtavakra: Be an observer of what is happening inside yourself to find freedom from the pain of outside influences. There is no moral value attached to this and it does not mean you are afraid to act. Have awareness of yourself only and do NOT derive your value from the actions of others. This applies to positive actions as well as negative ones. Be YOURSELF. Do not depend on…
Relationships that are passive aggressive are difficult to manoeuvre. Here are 7 important things to know and by the way the PA is probably having just as bad a time as you are. 1 Understand why its happening People that are passive aggressive find it incredibly hard to talk about their emotions. Rather than owning up to their feelings they behave in such a way that it is hard to confront them about what is really going on. 2 What the silent treatment is saying When the PA feels emotionally vulnerable they shut down, hide and withdraw. The…
Being in a passive aggressive relationship is not easy to live with or talk about. No matter what your partner does, staying with them also says something about you. So why do you stay? Why do you swing between love and hate? You live in hope that they will change When things are bad between you it feels like the worst thing ever. You can’t think straight or see straight. However hard you try to find out what the problem is, you are met with a brick wall. One way to cope is to tell yourself this will not go on for…
How many times do you have arguments by text. I was talking to a colleague the other day who refuses to engage in this kind of conflict. As she so rightly pointed out, once something is in writing there’s no taking it back. In arguments we might say things we would not normally say, hurtful things or attacking comments. We sometimes blame others when things go wrong before we have had a chance to think things through. Then the arguments start, you said, he said and she said. Feelings can explode in an unhelpful way. Now I’m not saying it isn’t…
Take the shopping: When the price is right, the food might still go in the trolley on and beyond the sell-buy date. Use-by dates are also not necessarily adhered to. The food may be a bit manky round the edges but the taste isn’t too bad, certainly not enough to throw away. It is only when there is more concern of greater harm than good do we throw away. So how can we use the same guide for our relationships. In the beginning it all looks good, feels good and tastes good. The attraction is there, nice packaging,…
I was recently talking to a friend about her relationship with her husband. She said she knows how to keep him sweet. She praises him (even when she’s angry). She doesn’t ask him to help her in the house because she knows that upsets him. When he does things that she does not agree with she keeps her mouth shut. She does not want to rock the boat by upsetting him. I asked her why? What stops her from being honest and this is what she told me. “I want a quiet life. I let things go because I…
With the sad news today of the death of the wonderful actor James Gandolfini it got me to thinking about how many times my own clients have told me they have felt like Tony Soprano in the therapy room. Tony was the mafia boss so wonderfully portrayed by James in the six series of the Sopranos. Tony and his therapist had that kind of relationship that is essential to good therapy. He would tell her all the gory details of his rise to power and his everyday problems of being a mafia boss and she would help him explore his thoughts…
Put simply passive aggressive behaviour can be described as a silent form of aggression. It is where you are angry with someone but do not or cannot tell them. It may involve, shutting off verbally, it may involve angry looks, obvious changes in behaviour, being obstructive, sulky or stonewalling. It is characterized by an indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, evading, pouting, or deliberately creating confusion. A passive aggressive individual doesn’t always exhibit outward anger or appear malicious. At first glance, the behaviour might appears unassuming, gracious and benevolent; underneath…
