Andrea Harrn Counselling Services

Do you keep being disappointed?

The people around us are like mirrors to our souls.  In general it is true to say that we get back what we give so its useful to look at own behaviours in relationships.  To be the best we can be.  However, there may be people in your lives who will periodically disappoint.  We feel hurt by their words and actions or in-actions.   We don’t understand why they behave in that way.  We can look for reasons but that doesn’t seem to help.

Its so hard when we feel disappointed in this way.  I know there are people in my life who have periodically and regularly disappointed me in the past and even now.  I used to get very upset about this.  I would get angry and resentful and try to talk to others to get them to see my point of view and agree with me.  Many would see my point of view and would agree with me but that didn’t really stop the disappointment.  Others would get defensive or attacking which definitely didn’t help.  The disappointed feeling would still sit inside me like a knot inside.

When you are disappointed in others it shows 2 main features.

1.    That you care about the relationship

2.    That your expectations are probably too high.

Caring about the relationships you have with others is so important.  When you know that you do your best to be thoughtful, kind and respectful but do not get the same back then its time to re-evaluate that relationship.  There are things that you can of course do to improve the situation:

1.  Communicate your thoughts and feelings to the other person

2.  Let them know what it is you would like from them/need from them to improve the relationship

3.  Get a sense of whether that person is listening to you and taking it in board

4.  Ask yourself if you are ever guilty of the same thing or can recognise the characteristics in yourself.

3.  Tell them how you would like things to be different and ask what you can do to help the relationship

If that person/people do not get you, are not interested in what you have to say or willing to work at the relationship then its probably time to move on.  Get over it.   Either distance yourself or think about how much time and energy you want to give to that person.  There are others around you who will be far more deserving of your kindness, time and energy.

Regarding expectations.  Its very easy to expect others to behave as we do.  What is that saying “Do unto others……”   Well reality is that people will not behave as you do.  They will have a whole different set of morals, codes, learnt behaviours and their own expectations.  They are not us.  Therefore it is unrealistic to expect them to behave in a certain way, know exactly what we want or need of them.

Lower your expectations, in fact lower them so much that you expect nothing.  Expect nothing at all from them and in that way you will not be disappointed.  You may instead find yourself becoming accepting of them and grateful for all good encounters that you share.

So acceptance is the way forward which may also mean detaching from that person in some way but without holding on to negative feelings yourself.  A simple moving on in good grace.

There is much learn to much from ourselves when we look at the relationships that we have with those in our lives.

Affirmation:  I accept all the people that are in my life and look forward to good relationships.

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