3 If you are resentful about society’s wrongs or events out of your control do something positive with your feelings. Join a group, political party or volunteer in a positive way. Turn negative into positive and see how much better you will feel. If you see yourself as a victim you will be one. If you see yourself as a positive agent for change you will be one. Make the Choice!
4 Look again at each resentment in turn. Ask yourself “what was my part in this situation”. This step is about taking responsibility for your own actions or inactions. Write down your part against each resentment and think about what you can learn for the future.
5 Think about how you have allowed each resentment to affect you. Think about the extent to which it has affected you and ask yourself how much longer you would like it to affect you. Perhaps another week, month, six months, year or the next ten years. Begin to see now the power you have over your own life.
6 Think about unfinished business on the list. If there are resentments on your list which still need to be resolved then look at who you need to speak to in order to do this. Start to think about communicating your thoughts and feelings with the other party/parties.
7 If you are unable to speak face to face or you feel you cannot face the other person for whatever reason write a letter (that will never be sent) – the purpose of this is to release all of your thoughts and feelings onto paper, or do this on the computer. The reason for not sending it is to free you up to be as open as you want to be. Don’t hold back in this letter. Say it how it is. You are not going to send it. Repeat this exercise every day for a week.
Dear John, When you did/said this or that I felt X Y Z and I think ABC and you etc. etc.
By the end of the week see how much better you feel. If necessary continue into the following week but every other day and reduce gradually till you’ve nothing left to say.
8 If you can speak to the person involved because they are still in your life and you want to improve the relationship speak to them about making some time together to discuss your relationship. Suggest you both have a notebook so you can really give this your best shot. Before you meet up think about the following statements to help you share your thoughts:
a) I am with you because……
b) My feelings were hurt when……..
c) I feel angry when…….
e) I resist new ideas from you when…..
f) I want to believe……….
g) I don’t trust you because…….
h) I hate it when……
i) I love you when……..
j) I don’t want to forgive you because……
k) I find it hard to believe you when………
Get the idea. Add statements that are specific to you. Try not to accuse though as this will put defences up and will be a barrier to reconciliation. Think about the tiniest resentments and hurts that have been stored up for however long.
This part can be repeated as necessary.
9. When sharing your thoughts make a rule that says
A) Only one person to share at a time
B) Person sharing does not elaborate on statement
11 Maintaining communication is key to keeping a happy relationship. It will enable trust and respect to grow between you and this will allow you all to feel safe in speaking your truths. Make time to see or speak to those that are important to you. We all have busy lives but the importance of partners, family and friends can never be over-stated.
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