5 reasons to stay with your PA partner – for better or worse

For better or worse

5 reasons to stay together – for better or worse

For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.  How seriously do you take your marriage vows?  At what point would you say “enough is enough” and walk away.  There is a time in life when you have to seriously consider what you are doing and why you are doing it.

You have probably spent many years going through the same repetitive cycles with your partner.  Good times, beautiful times and happy times followed by dark days, confusion, misery and abuse.  The thought of leaving has crossed your mind many times, yet you are still there.

Here are 5 possible reasons that you are staying:

For Better or Worse

You have a strong moral belief in the sanctity of marriage and you are not a person that likes to give up.  Leaving your partner would feel like a failure and this is something that you could never accept.  When you took those vows you meant the words you said.  Because your partner isn’t all bad there are days that are better.  The problem is the days that are worse gradually eat away at you and the wounds run deep.  Still you are a strong person so you always find a way to make things right.  Divorce is unthinkable. You do not want to give up, nor will you.

Holding onto the good times

You are very family minded, you always have been.  People that come from strong solid family backgrounds will want to recreate that for themselves.  If you have come from a family that was full of conflict then this will feel more normal to you.  Either ways, there are things worth holding onto.  Looking back at holiday photos, meaningful events where you shared celebrations together are proof that you are a couple.  The longer you are together will feel like an achievement.  You believe staying together provides a good role model.  Because passive aggressive behaviour is not obvious to others it may be that only a few close confidantes know what is going on.

You Put yourself in Their Shoes

When you partner is being difficult, not talking,  being obstructive or downright mean you are able to understand them.  Because you have been together a long time you know what pushes their buttons and you understand why they can’t deal with emotions or conflict.  Being understanding or empathic to their inabilities to communicate allows you to be one step away from feeling attacked yourself.  You are also able to forgive them, although it becomes harder and harder to forget.

You still love your partner

Despite the way you partner behaves you still love them.  You may feel like an idiot for still caring.  You may even feel that you have lost your self-respect and identity.  There seems to be nothing you can do to help them to behave in better ways towards you.  However much you try to take the blame, cover up, resolve, fix and heal them they can’t seem to change.  It saddens you to the point of despair, yet you still love them.   This is no longer a romantic love or a caring intimate one.  You settle for what you have.

You want to grow old together

When you think of growing old together you want to have happy images of the two of you walking along the beach and holding hands.  It’s hard to have that image because you don’t hold hands now and you rarely go for walks together.  The reality is that dream you are holding onto will not happen unless things get lighter between you.

The vision you can have is of the two of you being part of the wider family, perhaps with children or grandchildren around.  This is a more feasible proposition.

For a more positive future:

Bring your partner on board for a rosy future.  Ask them:

1   How they see the relationship in ten years

2   What they would like to see

3   What needs to happen

Wear your medal of commitment with pride and a happy smile and never be afraid of honest communication.

I have many articles to read on this subject and also a 6 week online course for those who to want to survive, thrive and finally break free from passive aggressive behaviour.   Check it out

To find out more about how passive aggressive behaviour is affecting your relationship FILL IN MY FREE QUESTIONNAIRE.

 

3 thoughts on “5 reasons to stay with your PA partner – for better or worse

  1. Marc Lugash

    Hi Andrea,

    How is life in the Land of Wimbledon? I see myself in four of the five, all but “Put Yourself In Their Shoes “. The first thing is spot on me and the second as well.

    Things have gotten better. Either stress involving our daughter has eased or my wife has made some personal decisions or both. The change is actually remarkable even though our closeness hasn’t changed much. I need to sit down with her and talk about these changes that I know she’s seen to and see what her thoughts are on why they’ve occurred.

    1. Andrea Harrn Post author

      Good to hear from you Marc and that things are better between you. The land of Wimbledon is hot right now and summer is definitely here. Finding that time to talk will be useful for you both so worth giving it a try. Things can get better between people and I always think its worth the try, especially when you’ve been together a long time. Best wishes

  2. Diane

    Andrea,
    After 44 years of phycological abuse from a man who is a victim of PTSD
    ( military) as well as PA behavior, I have filed for divorce, after his affair of 2 years openly displayed in front of me and friends in a very public venue.
    I now realize that my grown children were also victims also. The black cloud is no longer over my home, I am holding my head high, and planning a real future for myself.
    Your blog has opened my eyes.

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